


No Homo

by DarkQueenOfEvil



Category: Captain America (Movies), Deadpool (2016), Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Colourful language, Deadpool being Deadpool, Deadpool talks shit but he doesnt mean it, F/M, Fluff, Funny, Gay, Inappropriate deadpool, Love hate relstionship between wade and peter, M/M, Peter Parker being straight and shit, Sexy Times, Spideypool - Freeform, Wade teasing peter, confused, inappropriate, no plot yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-02 22:19:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10953867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkQueenOfEvil/pseuds/DarkQueenOfEvil
Summary: Wade leaves Canada and moves to New York( Queens) with his best friend Weasel after breaking up with Vanessa. He meets Spidey!





	1. Killin' & Chillin'

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is my first SPIDEYPOOL fic. Hope you would enjoy it!

___**When you wanna compliment a friend (no homo)** _  


_**But you don't want that friendship to end (no homo)** _

_**To tell a dude just how you feel (no homo)** _

_**Say 'no homo' so he knows the deal (no homo)** _

_-The Lonely Island_

_  
_

_°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°_

_~~~~Well Hello there! This is your unfriendly neighbor, Deadpool or better yet Captain Deadpool. You may be wondering why the red suit. Well its because I don't want the bad guys to see me bleed. An unfriendly advice, wear brown pants. I've been called a lot of things like Weapon X, Motherfucker X, etc, but you can call me Pool, Deadpool. Call me whatever, I don't give a fuck!_

_  
_

_I love wearing my tight red suit and killing bad guys! I just looove Killing and Chilling. But don't think I'm a bad guy as I kill people, they are bad people BAD!! So I have actually made Santa unemployed because I'm another jolly guy in a red suit whose lap is worth sitting on. So I'm going to start my motherfucking story with some fucking twists and turns and even chick flick moments. Yay!_

_  
_

"So Vanessa left your poor ass huh? That bitch!!" said Weasel as they took shots in their favorite old bar, Sister Margaret's. 

"Watch your mouth, you asshole!" Wade took five shots continuously. The alcohol burned down his mouth and evaporated. He winced closing his eyes making weird sounds.

"Your immortal ass can't handle alcohol?" Weasel laughed while taking another shot.

"Its not that. I hate this drink so much!" Wade did not make any eye contact with Weasel.

"Then why the fuck you drinking that shit?" Weasel questioned 

  


"I heard this drink will help me get over Vanessa" Wade was all out of drinks.

"Oh well, that chick fucked you up pretty good. The best way to get over someone is to find another" Weasel suggested.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Look at me!! I look like the inside of other people's asshole. I look like a person who was in a house fire and then unfortunately got in another house fire? Which poor asshole would wanna fuck me?" Wade threw the glasses on the wall.

"Hey man go easy, I paid for those glasses. As long as your face is concerned, it's not that bad dude. You're overreacting!" Weasel tried to cheer up his friend.

"Well, tell me exactly what's going on in your mind?" Wade revealed his face which was hidden by his hoddie.

"Oh shit! Jesus! You look worse than before. I'm sorry but I want our relationship to be upgraded to texts and phone calls, no face time! No time around that face!"

"Now you're overreacting!" Wade got up to get more alcohol, "I'm gonna die alone, aren't I?" 

"C'mom! You can date girls who were attacked by acids or their faces were in a house fire" Weasel suggested. "Actually I have to say something. I'm moving to America."

"The fuck! Why would you wanna leave Canada and go to some nation which is full of fat people and kids with braces?" Wade was not amused now his friend is leaving him too.

"You can come if you want. You got nothing here. Plus they have this gun law, you love guns don't ya" Weasel tried to change Wade's mind.

"Well fuck it! I'll go. You're right. But still I have one problem. Dopinder, he is the only taxi driver who gives me free ride. I don't wanna lose that!"

"Oh my God! You don't pay that little brown motherfucker?" Weasel thought that not paying Dopinder was only 1 time thing or 2,3 etc. 

"Like I pay you!" Said Wade taking a sip.

"That's right! You cocksucker! I'm gonna need you to pay from now!" 

  


°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

_Now we are gonna go to America! The only thing I like about the USA is Spidey. Spidey Spidey Spidey! That webshooting motherfucker changed my life. Before, my life was all about killing and Chilling. After meeting Spidey it was all about Killing, Chilling and Flirting. That red and blued suited wanker has made me realize that I'm fucking Gay! Not Gay! I mean I like girls, guys, weird aliens, some animals, the beast, etc._  


_So time to say goodbye now, pumpkin tits! I know this chapter was fucking small but your dick is even smaller! I'm sorry! I was born an asshole. Come back another time for more fanfics coz you know, me and Spidey are gonna meet there so don't be late!_


	2. Crime Fighting Shit Swizzler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deadpools meets Spidey!

**_I'm not gay_ **

**_I'm not gay_ **

**_It was a joke guys, c'mon guys_ **

**_I'm not gay_ **

**_I like vag more than pornstar scandle_ **

**_But can I get the drill with the pink handle?_ **

**** _\- J Pee_

 

_°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°_

_Oh hey there! Someone is right on time. I'm a great storyteller! I would make such a great grandma! One can only fucking dream. Today I'm going to tell you exactly how I met Spidey. I'm so excited? Are you excited?_

_°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°_

**Wade' P.O.V** _  
_

**I** ts been 3 months since I moved to Queens. Its been good but not great. Not Canadian great! I've been to the Unisphere and the Panorma blah blah blah! Weasel looked like a fucking idiot taking pictures of Queens' landmarks like some Asian tourist (Sorry I'm a little racist coz I was born an asshole). I've been doing the same fucking business which I was doing in Canada. 

 

I save kids and teenagers from bullies and from abusive step fathers. Only if they have the money. If not then they owe me but believe me! Owing Wade Wilson ain't a good call. I dress up in my hot red suit to scare the shit out of the skullfucks but I always get mistaken for someone else! This someone else is  Spiderman.

 

I remember I bust open the door of some cum guzzling cock sucker. His place was trash, beer cans everywhere and somethings which my mutant eyes couldn't identify. Fuck! "You' Frank Jenkins! Right!!!! I pined him against a wall. That cumdumpster was high, he couldn't even open his eyes. "Whaaaat--- Spiderman? What did I do aga-- please let me go please I don't make kiddie porn no more!" That asshole's breath was stinking of shit! "What the fuck did you just call me? YOU COCK JUGGLING THUNDER CUNT! I WILL FUCK YOU IN THE ASS WITH A SANDPAPER DILDO! You think I'm some gay ass Spider man? Huh!!!"

 

I threw that lanky motherfucker on the ground. "Listen to me Frank, I ain't Spiderman! I'm Deadpool! I murder assholes. Assholes who are like you. Stop messing with your girlfriend's kids or better yet stop dating that woman. If I see you anywhere near that house. I'll fucking kill you! Understand me! Nobody will find your stupid body!" With that I left. I was now very curious and angry too. Spiderman? Seriously? I have seen Spiderman in the news and in newspapers but not in real. From that I can tell Spidey looks gay with the way he swings and wears a super tight suit. Gotta be gay. 

 

I decided to meet this Spider person in person! Spiderman is a superhero. He save people without expecting anything in return. Altruistic Personality. I could never do that. I ain't a social worker. This boy has gotta eat and stay alive. Well technically I can't die but I love food so and besides, how does the Spiderling knows about a crime? Does he have no life. Is he like me? I need to seriously meet this Superhero!

 

I tracked down every street, cornor, alley where he was last seen. I talked to many Spider fans and people. I found out that Spidey is mostly seen in the Forest Hills Garden area. Recently he is not seen there.  I thought let's give it a try. I hung around there with my Deadpool costume and people seem to mistake me again. I showed them my middle figure and used most abusive words I could think of. I met a lovely lady called May. She was way older than me but damn! I haven't seen such a fine looking lady anywhere. I tried to flirt with her "You are so beautiful that I forgot my pickup line" She smiled at me but then moved on. Man you could make fucking chimichangas on those ass.

 

I gave up hope of getting hold of Gay Ass Spidey. I was just minding my own fucking business then out of nowhere I get punched and I fell on my ass. 

 

**Writer's P.O.V**

"Oh shit! That hurts!" Wade got up. He saw the red and blue suited hero. They were on some building and it was afternoon. "Who the hell are you and why exactly are you looking for me?" Spiderman looked furious. "Well actually I'm a big fan! Fuck me daddy!" Deadpool teased the hero was now coming towards him. "What the fuck do you want?" 

 

Wade was stuck in the moment. The way Spidey punched and and was now questioning him was so cute. The papers did not capture the real beauty of Spiderman but Wade's eyes did. The red and blue hero was the freakiest little cutest wanker he has ever laid eyes upon.  _OMFG HE IS SO CUTE! NO HOMO THOUGH! I CAN APPRECIATE A MAN'S BEAUTY! NO HOMO!_

"What the hell are you mumuring!" I've met a lot of psychopaths like you. Trying to hurt innocent people." Spidey voice sounded very young.

"Well I uh---" Deadpool tried to move but Spidey webbed him pretty good.

"Eww! WHAT IN THE ASS??? Did you just jizzed all over me? Is that stuff coming out of you? I hope that its not COMING out of you because this is batshit gross"

"Don't move. I know exactly what you are? I've met a lot like you. Dressing up like me and thinking you could replace me?"

"What the fuuuuuck man! This suit is red and black and it ain't that tight like your tight ass suit! Now get me out you gorgeous little cunt!" Deadpool tried to get out of the web but it was pretty strong.

"Not unless you tell me! You pretender!" 

"I'm a pretender well you're just a regular guy who gets his hand sticky after using the web" Deadpool chucked and he got out of the web. 

"Who are you?" Spidey now  believes that this idiot is not some supervillain.

"I'm Pool, Deadpool! I was just tracking you down because a lot of assholes mistake me for you." Wade clarified "Do people mistake you for me?"

"No! Why? Who are you anyway!" Spidey chuckled.

"Oh funny! You're funny! Spidey!" Wade smirked.

"Don't call me Spidey! Its Spiderman" the hero was annoyed. 

"Awww I think I'll call you Spidey or Spiderass from now! You have a cute ass by the way. No homo though" Wade teased Spidey

"Oh no homo but you seem a little homo to me!" Spidey teased back

"Well everyone's a little bit gay. So you're a crime fighting shit swizzler! How does that feel like? Saving ungrateful and unworthy all day long while putting your Spider life in danger?" Deadpool mocked Spidey.

"It feels great! Something assholes will never feel. Saving people is the best thing that ever happened to me" Spidey said proudly

"I have a confusion between you and Vigilantes I mean---" Deadpool was cut off

"Actually right now I have a confusion between you and assholes. All the assholes in the world look exactly like you!" Spidey got back at Deadpool

Well he is real smart and sarcastic! Wade was now charmed by this Spiderass! Finally something he can enjoy in Queen, Spidey.

"Well unlike you I am a busy person so bye" With the Spidrman shot an arrow to the nearest building and was about to swing.

"Wait! When will we meet again?" Deadpool was excited

"I'm guessing never!" With that Spidey swung. Deadpool enjoyed the view. "I will see you again Spideyboy" 

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

_Well that's how I met Spidey. It ain't that romantic but it is in some way! The first time I met him I forgot about my unicorn. I was bewitched by Spidey's charm! Omg! Look at me I'm such a romantic idiot. Well, this was all for now! Come back for more! Ta ta! Wait I haven't cursed! Holy fucking shit! CUMDUMPSTER, FELCH, ALABAMA HOT POCKET, CUNT, BLUMPKIN, SHIT BISCUIT! Now that's al fucking right!_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave Kudos and comments if you like


	3. Dark Knight's Gonna Rise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter tries to get rid of Wade who follows him everywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! How do you like the story so far? Please let me know. :)

**_Hey yo man you got a fresh style (no homo)_ **

**_And you know you got the best smile (no homo)_ **

**_Your girlfriend is a lucky lady (no homo)_ **

**_With your looks you'll make a handsome baby (no homo)_ **

**** _\- The Lonely Island_

 

_°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°_

_Hello my dear losers! No better thing to do today? Well I do, tell you the story of SPIDEYPOOL. I searched us on tumblr and my motherfucking mama June fuck! I found some really graphic but tastefull porn! Thanks for making us look sexier and making my body perfectly muscular! You're doing a great job sweeties! So have you ever met someone you wanna spend your whole life with? No chick flick moments but I found that with Spidey! I can't live without that douchebag and I hope he feels the same. So without any fuckery, let's start!_

 

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"For the last time, Deadpool, STOP FOLLOWING ME!" Spiderman yelled! He was beyond annoyed! That motherfucking asshole is always on his ass. He follows him everywhere. Whenever he wears the spidersuit and is off fighting crime, Deadpool appears after 10 mintues. How the fuck does he find him??!!

 

"Spidey baby! Stop yelling! We're partners! We fight crime together, remember?" Actually Wade himself decided that he will be Peter's partner in crime but Peter rejected this idea. Wade didn't care. He followed him around and they fought crime together but Spidey was pissed!

 

"I don't need a partner, I work alone!" Peter said and he was now few inches away from Deadpool.

 

"C'mom Spidey! I ain't that bad! I think we'll have a great time together! Every superhero needs a partner I'm crime." Wade tried to convince Spidey who was not looking cool about it. They were on a rooftop of some building and it was evening.

 

"How many times do I have to tell you? Don't call me Spidey!!! Its Spiderman" Peter pointed his fingures towards Wade. Wade gently bit his fingure.

 

"What the actual shit? Were you raised in woods? Why do you act like such a pain in the ass?" Spidey threw his arms above his head. 

 

"You are overreacting! I like doing cute gestures! Its part of who I am!" Deadpool sat on the brick railings of the rooftop. 

 

"I don't understand. You mocked me because I save people for free. You called me names! So why all of a sudden you wanna help me help those people?" Peter folded his arms

 

Wade had this weird obsession with Spidey. He wanted to get to know him. "I don't have anything better to do and besides its fun!" Wade smirked 

 

"Wut? Fun! YOU THINK I SAVE PEOPLE FOR FUN? YOU DIPSHITTING ASSFUCKING MOTH---" 

 

"Whoa! Stop Stop! I never said its fun for you its fun for me! I'm not a bad guy Spidey"Deadpool got up trying to calm down the red and blue suited hero.

 

"You know what! I can't fight with you. You're you--uhh fuck! Give me one good reason why I should work with you!" Spidey demanded good reasons. He needed to know if he can trust Deadpool who seemed evilish!

 

"Because I take it in the mouth!" Wade laughed

 

"That's it! I hope I never ever meet you again." Spidey was more than pissed.

 

"I'm so sorry sorry sorry! I panicked! Whenever I have to negotiate I try ummmm! So sorry please hear me out!" Wade requested.

 

"Fine go one" Peter thought is this how Deadpool negotiates with people? Taking it in the mouth? Jesus his childhood must have been a horrible episode!

 

"I am very strong! Not strong like you but I am strong. I don't die! I've been shot in the head, chest, ass, etc but I don't die. You can get a huge deal of help out of this. So I'mma gonna give ya a chance to make me your partner and in exchange you get preferential bordering on gentle....... possibly even a lover like treatment" 

 

"You were going so well then you have to ruin it with your LOVER LIKE TREATMENT! Save your treatment for someone else. It ain't gonna work on me!" Peter was disappointed but what did he expect! The fucker had hanged around with him for weeks now and he always makes fun of serious things and always pours humour over everything!

 

Peter ran and tried to jump off the rooftop but Deadpool tried to stop him. Deadpool held his leg but Wade couldn't hold it longer and Spidey slipped from his hold. This made Spidey disbalanced and he fell in a dumpster.

 

"Fuck shit!" Deadpool curse as he jumped off the roof to make sure that Peter was alright. He landed and ran towards the dumpster and suddenly Spidey popped out from the dumpster.

 

"Fuck man! You smell of shit! Sucks to be you man" Deadpool laughed his guts out. He held his stomach and laughed like a motherfucking donkey. "I thought you were hurt but you smell man!"

 

Peter tried to get out of the dumpster but his leg got into something which made him fall again. 

 

"Jesus fucking Christ man! Are you doing that on purpose!?" Deadpool couldn't control his laughter. He rolled on the floor and laughed.

 

Peter was again pissed. He jumped on Wade and punched him on his face. Peter was on top of Wade and he kept punching but Wade only laughed.

 

"C'mon Spidey, you're pulling your punches! And you're on top of me but you're not gonna get some so soon my dear" Wade laughed and touched Spidey's face.

 

"Don't touch me jackass!" Peter jerked Wade's hand off his face. Then Spidey felt something... rising..... SHIT!

 

"OH MY GAWD YOU FUCKING PERVERT! Don't you have no shame? You shameless cuntish creature!" Peter cursed as he got up.

 

"You're such a drama queen! You were grinding your pelvic and your ass against my groin so of course the Dark Knight's gonna rise!" Wade also got up brushing off dirt from his suit. "I think we should know each other's names"

 

"We should not because we are not gonna meet again!" Spidey disappeared again making Wade lonely in an abandoned alley.

 

"Do you want a blow job? Its only 10 dollars?" A drunk fat woman appeared out of the shadows. 

 

"No thanks! I'm saving myself for someone else actually" Wade never rejected blowjobs! He loved blowjobs. Even his favorite drink was the blowjob. 

 

"Are ya sure?" The lady winked and started touching Wade's dick which was erect.

 

Wade pushed her off "ugh stop it lady! I don't want no blowjob! Here's 10 dollars!" Giving the lady the money, Wade walked out of there. Thinking he would meet Spidey soon.

 

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_Spidey is such a little bitch isn't he. Its not for long! He becomes cute boy cuddly charms soon. This was all for now so come back for more you shit spackled Muppet farts!!!! :D_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos and comments if you like. :)


End file.
